Author Archives: carlyoung

calm before a very chaotic storm

14162165177_a14786b64c_cEarlier, I wrote to you about Marc’s explosion of behavior. I looked just now, and that post never published.  I evidently saved it as a draft.  So it will seem like these events are coming back to back, in reality, it has been a couple of hours.

We had about 2 hours of calm.  And then.  One would think that Mt. Etna erupted.

By the time things calmed, Marc was restrained multiple times.  He became combative.

I should really say that it all started with a grin.  That grin that says hell is coming.  His grin.  The one I should know so well, that means he is about to come unglued.  Sadly, I missed the sign that was staring me in the face.

So tonight I am the worst father, my wife is the worst mother, we are the worst family.  He said “he wants a new family”.

My wife and I replied, “this is the only family there is.”  At which point, all hell broke loose.

I am at a loss,  I guess as a parent we want what is best for our children.  For two months I have been in denial about the situation.  The honeymood is officially over.

As I write this, I am getting myself back under control.  See, I have a heart condition.  It is stable, but no one likes to be unnecessarily excited when they have a heart condition.  Mom is getting herself under control, I have two boys hidden away in their rooms, and now I have a babysitter that won’t babysit in April so I can spend two days in meetings down in the city.  Sure I could drug Marc into a comatose state, but I am not that guy.

In reality.  I love him, I really do.  Maybe we need to love him from afar.  Maybe that is what he needs.

He says “if I wasn’t Marc, then I wouldn’t be like this.”

I am not sure what that means.  What I do know, is that when he gets angry, it is almost more than I can control.  Soon, it will be more than I can control.  I thought for sure one of the neighbors, or the boys was calling the Sheriff.  If not them, then surely a neighbor.

So what do we do?

I understand a lot of things about Marc’s mental illness.  I wish I could figure out the magic to help him control the demon that rages inside of him.

I wish that I could get him to see how much he means to us.

In a way, I guess that this blog is a journal as much for me to document my thoughts as it is for Marc to some day look back and say to himself, “they really did try everything.”

Reality tells me that  I will be waiting a long time past forever for that to happen.

It started because I called him out about his lie regarding wearing shorts to school when he left the house in blue jeans.  Such an innocuous thing.  Sure I could have let it go… but if you let one thing go, then you have to let another, and another, and another.  Pretty soon mice have taken over the house.

Trust.  Something Marc so desperately wants.  Something he throws away like lint in his pocket.

A part of it is the bipolar.  A part of it is the Autism.  A part of it is the attachment disorder.  A part of it is the borderline personality disorder.  A part of it is… ah, but you get the picture.

Please, a prayer for Marc.  That he finds the peace he so very desperately needs.

Where are your pants?

Marc was walking out of school today when I went to pick him up.  First thing I noticed.  He is wearing shorts.  Now, I may not be the most observant, but I do know he was wearing jeans this morning when he left for school… Before he even got to the van, he was hollering,…Continue Reading

Not every day is bad…

Today.  For example. Was pretty darn good.  Marc met goals at school.  Then when the weather wasn’t cooperating didn’t argue when we told him he had to stay inside. When the weather cleared, he played basketball by himself for a good hour, until it was time to come in.  When he had to come in…Continue Reading

he doesn’t care

I spent more than an hour of travel time today talking with Marc about his behaviors.  About the path that his behaviors are leading him down. And while it felt like he was listening and actually hearing what I was saying to him.  I realize now that he may have been listening, but he doesn’t…Continue Reading

here come more behaviors

Remember when Marc was at his second placement? And we couldn’t keep him in his seat at school? He is doing that again. Seeing an increase in behaviors.  Disrespect, oppositional, manic.  He is running from teachers, throwing things around the re-focus room and generally being as disruptive as he can. Yes he is getting his…Continue Reading

Every Parent of a Mentally Ill Child Has This Fear

I don’t know how it is in most families, I just know in mine, this is our fear.  That Marc will stop responding to his meds, and then be seen as a threat by law enforcement. Once he turns 18, we will have little ability to ensure that he takes his medications, unless we get…Continue Reading

An open letter to the House Appropriations Committee – ND Legislature

Chairman, Members of the Committee. I am writing this here, because I can’t make it today to testify in person.  I believe in the citizen legislature.  I have to believe that you will read these words. My family adopted a special needs child from our state.  When the adoption was finalized, he was court ordered…Continue Reading

the goodness

There is so much bad news in the world.  I have said this before. So let’s celebrate something good. Laughter. Smiles. Tears of joy Life. I live each day with a chronic illness.  Even the bad days are pretty darn good. Embrace the life you have.  It is the only one that you will get.…Continue Reading